Thanks Willow,

This morning I woke up much improved. I have started to look into a possible "peer support" service. Peers often get it the best. No CPN in my community.

Part of the problem where I go for services is I just get to know a pdoc and that one moves on and a new one starts. (They are doing their residencies in psychiatry.) Plus they are under pressure to see a lot of clients in a short space of time. Plus the appointments can be so widely spaced apart (months.)

I read once the being a pdoc is one of the lowest paid specialties in medicine. It does seem to have a rep of being where a medical student goes to avoid being highly- challenged.

Also, where I go is so frustrating that my pdoc may end up the object of my frustration at the whole system. I need to be more assertive, but with more of a focus on just what I want to make as a goal. And it can't be just med change after med change after med change. I was told point blank that med adjustment is really all they are there for. I guess what I want is for there to be more interest in my input.

Saying I've been having a hard time shouldn't automatically mean - "Well let's change the meds." Or - "Well the meds aren't working, so you must need ECT treatment." Sometimes, it would be nice to hear a heartfelt, "I'm sorry it's been this rough for you, lately. Would you like to try a different medication? How do you feel about that?"

I feel like I am really a client of the multi-national pharmaceutical companies, whose stance is "We got something to sell you." It's like dealing with insurance companies, "What you need is more coverage . . . a bigger policy will protect you even better." One can over-invest in anything.

I need to go with paper and pen in hand . . . have some thoughts written out that remind me what I need to discuss . . . AND . . . when the pdoc says - like - "maybe you ought to not come back" . . . I could say "Okay, let me write down what you are asking me to consider, so I can be clear what you are advising me to think about." Kind of like the way, in parliamentary procedure, things start off with the reading of the minutes of the last meeting. So we can say, "Okay, where did we leave off, and where do we need to pick up the conversation." Otherwise it all seem so random, and directionless. And they DO FORGET what they have said. And I forget.