here goes. I'm going to take a crack at this, knowing that I'm not that able to see thru the fog of my fear and pain. I wanted this to work. And I don't think it did, and there are a few reasons for this.

Maybe my T was mirroring me, but what does that really mean? It was a kind of chicken and egg thing...arguments escalate, and it was more of that kind of ramping-up thing where it's like two people in a room, awash in gasoline, with lighters...more like that. I guess when I hear the term "mirroring" that's not what comes to mind....if you know what I mean.

I do not believe that I was trying to coerce anything from my therapist, especially not unconditional anything and especially not positive regard. I didn't have a strong need to have this therapist LIKE me particularly. And part of that is, I don't really like this T. that said, I think there's a lot of blue sky between what happened in that session and any kind of regard, unconditional and positive or not.

So..I don't think I was trying, under any guise, for a lot of strokes from this person -- parental or otherwise. However, I did have a really strong drive to get feedback and discussion (perhaps even permission of some kind?) on my intuitive "adventures" and "interests." And that is where I think I went wrong!

i don't think my t has a lot of information, training, or real "handle" on those interests, as I have learned over time. I think my T is kind of "behind" me on that, actually and I feel that I am dragging T along, in a sense! In fact, I think I am very far ahead of T on those matters, and I am totally in accord with CantExplain that on some level, my T was very jealous of the fact that I went out of town and got what I needed from a real expert! I am still so proud of myself that I did that but I felt like that whole session was really the lead-up to this disaster. It all fell down and went boom!

I think I am choosing therapists based on their "reputation", how "highly regarded" they are in traditional ways, and then expecting them to be able to relate to me in non-traditional ways about non-traditional matters. One old AA expression springs to mind about this kind of seeking: Looking for an Orange in a Hardware Store. Well, I got a monkey wrench.

What has been confounding to me is the way that I react to the kind of feedback and emotional-withholding that my last two "analytical" Ts do as a part of their stock-in-trade. I can't stand the blank mask while I reveal my biggest sources of pain! Offering those places to someone who is essentially an "analyst" is a pretty foolish endeavor for me at this time in my life. that's not to say that analysis is wrong or bad or not wonderful for some people, just not me at this particular time and place.

I feel deeply -- and have no "real" reason to be so certain -- that my therapist is accustomed to some pretty heavy adoration from "patients." Over time, I have seen signs of some extreme arrogance, and ignored them. Any attempts on my part to recast the relationship, the back and forth were met with SCORN. Remarks about the man I was seeing were met with SCORN. "Oh, that guy, forget him." Sh*&t like that and I won't go on.

I think the harder question is why I ignored these warning signs after seeing them repeatedly, noting them, writing about them, posting here and YET persisting in the folly of paying such a great deal of money for an exercise in humiliation that eventually ended this way.

And I am not going to shoulder the responsibility for the standing and yelling entirely. I've said I was no queen of decorum. but it seems to me that the responsiblity for decency lies at least a little more at the feet of the so-called caregiver. Granted, I was no sweetheart, as I've said before, but this was a far cry from therapeutic.

Just my thoughts...this is still pretty raw....