i fell in love with a girl. i've been feeling depressed for 8-9 months now. my doctors appointment is next week. i simply feel sad and empty. i don't want to sleep because i see disturbing dreams. i've lost some weight. i used to think i was "okay" but now i have no self-esteem. people around me tell me i look horrible, they ask what was going on but i can't answer. sometimes i explain how i feel and no one takes it serious, they tell me "don't worry that much" "well i wouldn't telling you this would i moron?". the more i tell, more depressed i feel.
i think im addicted to this feeling. i don't want to get well but i don't want to live like this either because whenever i feel happy, i feel like im betraying the one i love eventhough she rejected me.
i'm 17 years old. i have no ideas what im going to do in the future. my parents expect me to be successful. they want me to become a lawyer (i know i can find a job in a nice company) but im interested in cinema (i know i won't find a job if i study that)
my grades fell in school, everyone seems dissappointed in me.
i cry every night when i go to bed and wish i won't wake up. but yet i wake up and curse, look at the mirror and say "why do i deserve this?"