Haven't posted in a while but I feel compelled to do so. I have bipolar 2 dissorder, and although I am no specialist, reading what you wrote really resonated with me. We are not suppose to dx each other here and I want to make it clear this is my opinion based on my experience, and not a dx, but have you ever looked into bipolar? 1 or 2, though you sound like 1, are treatable. Try to get diagnosed and be sure to mention more than the depression, because your time that you feel top of the world is important to. Many cases of bipolar are misdiagnosed as depression.

I want to let you know your not alone in this, there are many people who go through what you do. We are not understood by "normal" people, at least in my case it's because there is no reason behind my switching. For me I have always said its a chemical imbalance in my brain that does it. And every time I know it will pass. I know what it's like being empty and I know what it's like to have too many emotions at once to the point you can do nothing that scream and run and try and explode, knowing full well how crazy you look.

Ever since I've started meds I've been getting better. Not perfect, as I have just started treatment and haven't found the right cocktail of drugs yet but I haven't had a truely unbearable episode (depressed or manic) since. There is also other treatments, but meds for me are the most important.

That's my story at least. I encourage you to look into bipolar and please continue to look for help. It can happen and the hell of not trusting your emotions can end. I promis.