Triggers for Sui


I have been struggling with sui thoughts and even thinking I need to go to the hospital...as I have been searching for ways and plans that would really work-my T knows this-last session we talked a lot about it and he asked if the hospital was the best place I said no-and we contracted for safety...so I was struggling with going to my session on Monday-but then decided I should..so I sent T this:
I would like to keep my session for Monday...I'm still in a bad space mentally and spiritually...they say the worst time to enter a psych ward is weekends...so I'll just promise to stay safe this weekend unless it gets real bad...I'm not going to stay alone...see you Monday T...

He wrote back "Ok"

It set me off-I wrote back "F Uck you T, you will never see me again"

T wrote back: Delicate, I was in a rush. I simply can't respond to every email as thoughtfully as I would like to. I am sorry for that and sorry if that sent the wrong message. Do you still want to keep your appoinment for Monday?

So now I don't know what to do...my emotions are everywhere and I don't know what I want anymore...or even what to say to T if I were to write back...bleh : (