Don't be so hard on yourself. Making someone or asking someone to hurt you is a type of self harm behavoir and there are many many survivors out there that need and or crave such things. In fact there are many many survivors out there that cannot participate in having sexual relations without having some sort of abuse or threats involved because they have been programed to believe that is what love and sex is and their bodys have learned to respond to only the abuse and threats.

Suggestion - try having your significant other take a shower or bath with you or give you a back massage before things gewt rough. Adding the good things before things get rough retrains your brain to start enjoying the good things too. Then after you have developed a routine and it feels comfortable having the good things slowly take out some of the rough stuff. More and more your brain will reprogram to where you no longer need and crave to be hurt by others.

Hang in there Rachel.