So I guess this is my life. I am trying so hard to pretend I am okay. But damn I am falling apart inside. I wanna drink , eventho I never drink. I want anything to kill all of this pain inside, this torment, the abuse, I hate it... All of my kids dads ( tes they all have diff dads which I am constantly reminded of and that I used to be a stripper) just wanna see me drown .. They really do. I have no support and have had ordeals with both of my kids dads this week. I dont get child support and just seems like they must not feel like they abused me enuf before. So my kids dad came here drunk demanding his kid and she was terrified of him, comes in my house and takes her , so I call the cops --- he tells the cops I was a stripper and diff dads to kids and guess what I am freaking victimized all over again. When does this end? They dont pay me any child support.I wanna move away to where I used to live , where our original court case is at and refile for cs and residential custody. He hardly sees her anyways. Maybe the weekends, but my friend said that would be hard to do. I feel like noone understands the damn pain inside or the struggles and they give up on me. I get sooo tired of it.I love my kids so much and feel they are my only fight in this stupid crappy life. I hate love and dont believe in it. Evryone just uses everyone. And I have been severely beaten by their dads who wanna degrade me to the universe. How can I stand up to all of these guys when I try but the cops and everyone just revictimizes the woman again. I was beaten when I was a girl and sexually abused. I hate my past . I wanna be someone different.. Someone lovable, not damaged, I hate how hard it all is. I really do. I waited on my ex who was abusive and threatened to kill me, I enede it with him after waiting 6 mo for him to come back from Afghan and he came back and ignored me. I hate relationships and trust noone. So I guess this is great. Ugghh. I close most people out and am terribly lonely because people use me and thats the only love I can get or be alone I feel. I guess I will just be alone forever. I ended an abusive relationship and stopped letting people use me. Then all of this. It seems I am chained to my damn past. Why? Why did I have to be the damn victim , being abandoned emotionally , sexually molested my entire childhood, unwanted, god damnit. Why???? And now I will always be forever damaged..............................