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Thank you Xambgii for allowing us into your pain. I hope we can usher some peace your way. I felt like I was reading pages from my own journals. I am so sorry you are in such a painful place right now. It will get better even when it seems it never will or can't possibly.
It is hard to make that long walk to a therapist. Harder to find one you can open up with and feel you can trust. Still in is one of the keys to success with MI. We all need a place to turn and someone to turn to who understands. That is worth all the gold in the world.
For me, I think learning about my dx was probably the first best thing I did for myself. Not knowing what was going on had me bouncing off the walls. I came here and met people who live a similar reality to mine. People who didn't judged from a place of 'unknowing' but empathize from a place of knowing. Finding people who ‘get it’ is a huge support for me.
Once I received a diagnosis things started to make more sense. I read and listened to everything I could find to help me learn and understand what was going on with me. Some explanation for what was happening, why and what I could do to help myself.
I have come a very long way towards achieving a more balanced and harmonious place. I didn't think I would ever be able to say that but now I can. I am by no means symptom free, and my life by no means is where I think I want or need it to be but I have made some huge gains on the journey. I recover quickly when triggered off balance because I understand the dynamics of it all. It isn’t so personal anymore. It isn’t just about me but me and MI managing to co-exist.
You sound to be in a place where it is really really hard to believe anything is every going to help make things better. It feels so hopeless and it just keeps pushing you down and down. That's okay. You will be okay. You will weather this one out like you have done before; too many times to count no doubt. You can make it through the maze.
You were drawn here for a reason. Here your hope can be restored because we have/are in your shoes and we are making gains and maintaining hope. You can too. Here you can share anything and everything and always be supported. You don't have to explain, justify, rationalize, argue..... none of that will you find here. It is a safe haven for those who need to know they are not the only weirdos in the world. lol. It is a place to learn and to grow and to give and get unconditional support.
Old biblical saying..... 'the next step to take is always clear in time to take it.' Meanwhile love yourself through the hard times and believe in better times. One day at a time. You are never alone.
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