You did some good work here. It sounds like a repetition compulsion. With these T choices, you keep proving yourself right, which is comforting, but in a bad way. So you were invalidated as a child and now are reliving it yet trying not to. But I think you have a hard time approving or validating your own choices. You never told us what the trip was - that's fine, but was it for fear of disapproval from PC? (again, don't feel you have to answer). My guess is you would find interest here, people are into a lot of different things. If you posted in a different forum in PC, some people here would never see it, they never venture out of the Psychotherapy threads, just fyi! anyway, just some thoughts. I love that orange in a hardware store example.