Dear T,

Today I read where Albert Camus wrote "To lose one's life is a little thing and I shall have the courage to do so if it is necessary; but to see the meaning of this life dissipated, to see our reason for existing disappear, that is what is unbearable. One cannot live without meaning."

You tell me I have resources, and I know it is true. But it is the meaning behind life I don't have. And I don't know how to get it back... it I can get it back.

I was starting to see the meaning come back to me as I worked through therapy and the trauma. But something happened. I can't tell you and I am drinking a little so jotting it out on PC for the world to see and not you. Not that I believe you care any more actually. In fact, I honestly don't trust you any more. I don't trust you to not vanish into thin air even if it harmed me. I don't trust you to know that I can be hurt by you. I don't trust you to want to understand me because I see that you think you have me figured out now. But I hide too much and I know that. I can't tell you everything and I can't hide important things from you. That makes me firmly believe I can't get help any further and that makes me feel alone even more than before I had therapy. At least there was always a chance I would not be so alone with whatever this is.

I don't even know if I am making any sense. It is just whatever it is. I don't know what to do or where to go. I keep trying to go to my resources but those people are dead or not in the flesh. They remind me even more solidly how I just don't fit into the world of the living! How the only people I ever did have who did understand me are gone. Maybe that is why I think you will vanish.

Me