Abby,internalizing is what women do best. We try our best to bottle things up inside.
This in itself is frustrating and when the bucket is full; we overflow with our own grief over being victimized. I'm assuming this is where the anger comes from concerning yourself.

Your self hatred sounds pretty unhealthy as it sounds as though you are buying into
guilt that you should not have. I hope that you are getting professional help from someone on addressing this. Do you somehow feel connection to your abuser if you had one? A lot of us here had abuse from family members who we loved and hated. Makes for a lot of confusion, but self harming is a way to let our victimizers win in a way. I feel when I take good care of myself with eating right and
vitamins and stuff, that I feed the child inside and that makes me feel better about things. Taking back from the victimizer, if you will.

Anger I believe is considered the flip side of fear. There are ways to keep oneself
more level about these issues. Therapy is a good source when dealing with anger
as well as all unhealthy emotions and thought process we habitually use. Habitually used mistaken ways of dealing with our emotions and thoughts are quite prevalent in people .Thank you for sharing. Hugs, bj