I don't know about anyone else, but I've decided that being self indulgent in therapy is a good and kind thing to do for myself in my journey to be a healthier human being..

Therapy is about me. It is about what I am thinking and feeling at the moment and time that I am with my therapist. Those fifty minutes are mine to be who I am at that moment and time. Talking about myself and my most inner most thoughts is critical AND not thinking, feeling or talking about what I need and want is also part of it. Those are the times for my therapist to step in and help me be self indulgent and open to what is going on inside of me.

If I'm closed off or rejecting of those feelings and thoughts or if I feel embarassed or ashamed of those thoughts and feelings then I believe that I am just fooling myself and buying into old tapes I've heard a million times before in my childhood. Being in therapy and being self-aware isn't necessarily about being selfish and self-absorbed (okay, maybe a little but hopefully we don't stay in that place forever!), but it's more about taking all those feelings and thoughts out of our heads and laying them out on the table in front of us and really examining them with the help of a caring and intelligent other. If we dismiss them as ugly, unacceptable or self-indulgent, then we are only allowing them to fester and grow inside of us. And from my loooong experience, they grow and fester at an astounding rate of speed.

Allowing them to exist internally is allowing the thoughts and feelings to convince us to be perfectionists; to hide out and pretend we really can exist without help, connection or intimancy. . . to believe that we don't need others and to see ourselves as eternally self-sufficient. Being a prefectionist was how I was brought up to be, hiding the ugly thoughts and feelings behind thoughts and feelings that I just needed to "pull myself up by my bootstraps" and not be a whimp! It meant that what I thought and felt and what many others thought and felt were silly and overwhelming self indulgences. .. something I needed to hide because someone might see me for what I "really" was, a scared kid who lived in fear of being "found out!".

That kind of thinking has gotten me no where . .. Okay, in reality it has gotten me to be dysfunctionally self-sufficient and arrogant in my thoughts of "I don't need ANYONE". I've found that this kind of thinking is definitely NOT a healthy way to exist and grow.