I don't even know how to start this post. Like the title says, I am "too overloaded'. I don't seem to have much time left over from all the things I have to do. I sat down & looked at my finances & realized that I only have a few months of money left to work with. I have had such a hard time getting my Mothers home packed up & ready for sale (am still working on the last of that). I was trying to get it all done by June 1, but with the horrible feelings I get when there, it is taking way to long to get through it all. Going through a parents home is usually hard after they die, but while doing that it seems to keep my bad feelings for my mother going. I just can't seem to let go of my anger at my Mother for what she ended up putting me through.

On top of that, I have my own home to pack up & get ready for sale.......this is where I have to figure out how to keep the payments going until we can get out of here. The worse part of my own home is that is seems like a disaster went through the home & I can't even figure out where to start here. It's like the walls are holding in a huge mess which it just about ready to explode......(guess that would be a good way to get rid of all the junk).

To top that, I have to deal with the contractor (my across the street neighbor) that started doing work around our home. I have been fighting with him this whole year to get the work finished & to pay us back the money we overpayed him. I let my husband try to take care of the problem (he is always nicer than I am), but now 5 months later, I finally put an ultimatum out to him that if we didn't sit down & discuss, get a schedule for finishing up the work & get paid back, I am going to file a case with small claims court. I finally got a call back from him with nothing but excuses, excuses, excuses. I told him to save his excuses & just set up a time to get together.....I want the work done or my money back for the things that he procrastinated too long at doing. I am so angry at him & that stress on top of everything else....I am so overloaded.

I know my psychologist & pdoc always say to just concentrate on one thing at a time because I just cant handle more than that, but unfortunately, time doesn't allow for that which really makes it tough. It seems like the stress causes me to run on adreneline. I end up going for 3 days without sleep (I don't take the seroquel because then I would sleep & not get anything done). Unfortunately, I end up crashing then, taking my med & then sleep for over a day. Then I feel guilty because I don't get anything done when I sleep.....ah yes, the "catch 22". Unfortunately when I get stressed like this, my nausea hits again & then hits the weight loss. Even when I can eat, I end up loosing weight when I am running on adreneline.....seems to up my metabolism which burns off what food I do eat.

In the back of my mind sits the where am I going to move to.......I know I have to figure out that soon & start looking......but I think I am going to end up in Kentucky (around the Lexington area). It seems like I can get my ranch property there, making my money go much farther than almost any other location. At least I am moving away from California. Then I realize how hard it is going to be moving my horses across the US.....a very time consuming problem along with the fact that I don't have a truck or horse trailer to do it with & don't know where the money is going to come from to even make the move.

Of course the rest of the stress is that of leaving the Dr's I have here. I don't think I will ever be able to fine a pain specialist like the one I have here. They have my migraines under control with the Fentynal patches & finding another Dr willing to prescribe that level of pain meds will be almost impossible. Of course, leaving my pdoc & psychologist is also a very huge stress. I know that thinking about this is adding to my stress level, but unfortunately, it is the reality of my move. To top this off, my prescription insurance has already arrived at the point where I have pay full amount for the next 3 months before they will kick in paying again......just another added stress

As far as the divorce goes, I really thought that I was going to start it back up a few weeks ago.....my husband has continually been making life even worse that is already is.....but for some reason after we had a huge fight, he started making some changes that are really working??????? I have no idea why or even how.....& am afraid to even question it....don't want to jinx whatever is going on.

Unfortunately, I feel guilty when I take time away from my packing.....haven't even ridden my horse for over 2 months. I know that exercise would probably help alot......unfortunately, my guilt for not constantly working on what I need to get done makes me feel so bad, I dont think that anything can really help that until I accomplish what I really need to do. That feeling also is keeping me away from here too. I just don't feel like I can take time away from the things I need to do before my time runs out.

Once in a while, I will probably try to take a short break to poke my nose into here. I feel like I am so out of it here that I have lost track of almost everyone here.

Take care all,
Debbie