I'm happy to hear you've decided to see a doctor, your symptoms are pretty bad I hope it turns out ok for you. And I can relate with your confusion over not wanting to get well but not wanting to be happy. I'm the same way I like the feeling of being sad..? It doesn't make sense but I write better, my drawings and paintings are more creative in a dark way. I'm also in high school Oh and I'm sure you can be whatever it is you want but for the mean time you should focas on getting better. Even if your not sure about your feelings for it, the weight loss and no sleep is harming your body. The thing about telling people is that sometimes they don't wanna see whats infront of them, I happy you tried opening up to them. One step at a time right? If you don't wanna tell people because your afraid of what they might say or theyre just isn't someone there to listen at the time; write it down. Or express it in some way so it's not stuck in your head. Even though you don't feel positive now I hope you'll wake up telling yourself something different. I'm a rather sarcastic person; when ever I wake up I look in the mirror and tell myself hey you never know, you might feel like living today. Please keep posting I'd love to hear about how your appointment goes.