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ThePainNeverDies · Mar 11, 2012, 06:46 AM

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for your replies. I stayed off my laptop for a few days because I knew I was out of control the other night and wasn't sure what I'd say. This reply will be long...

Harley: Things have picked up for me somewhat, I still feel upset and down, but nowhere near like I was the other night. I've managed to get some control back by talking to David about how I've been feeling and why. I did raise my voice, I did swear, I did shake my fists in my lap, but it seems to have helped and I think Dave understood

As for not having many friends, I really find it hard to make friends because I never know what to say to people in conversation. I am not a social bunny, I've been taught not to be social since I was a child, because every time I was social I go hurt, or I just wasn't allowed to be social at all and I was labeled a freak. So I'm afraid of that label and shy away from people because of that - I know though, that this probably makes people think less of me - I am trying to fix this, it's very hard but I'm picking up on more hobbies and will be booking myself in to go horse riding once a month, meeting new people and I'll be starting to spend time with people I already know and people they know that I don't, ergo making new friends who have the same interests as me.

I understand that everyone needs time out and needs to spend time with friends, that's why when David asked if I wanted him to not go, I said no, go. Because I care about his welfare and I knew it would help him to go out and do what he enjoys. It was the way that he left that did it for me, it was a quick escape because our 'friend' called and gave him that quick escape. In fact, she was the one who told him we needed time apart (behind my back) and told him to go to the gaming that evening, so he followed her advice which upset me - and I SWEAR that she is trying to tear us apart and that really hurts. I've had people try to do that before and I fought against it because I cared about that person, but in the end that person WAS bad for me like they said he was. I appreciate that I'm not easy to live with and that I stress David out sometimes and maybe his friends see that and tell him to back off or whatever, but they don't always see the good times we have and the times where I encourage him to do what he enjoys and encourage him to spend positive time together. Like last night, we agreed to go to the cinema together and we cooked dinner before hand which was really enjoyable because we sat and ate TOGETHER which is rare. Then we ordered our tickets and while we waited for time to pass, we both had a drink together and talked about happy things. And then we watched the film at the cinema and cuddled up at the scary bits (lol) That was really nice and he agreed that he'd felt relaxed and like he'd enjoyed himself.

Daze: Thank you for pointing out the good things you see/hear in me. I've learned that almost everything negative that happens to me is there to test me, to make me stronger. When people say that they cannot cope, I quote to them:

"Life is not there to run you over when you're down. It is there to test you, to make you stronger."

I've lived by that quote for quite some time. I'm not sure what I should deal with first, I do agree that my Dad's anniversary is an important thing to deal with, but at the same time I think the most important thing to start with first, is controlling my emotions in a more positive way. I am WAY too good at hiding my emotions, stuffing them down and letting them build up without realising until it's too late - David said he hadn't known I was this bad because I'm so good at hiding it, until I started having more and more down days - but like I said to him, he didn't probe like I need him to. He says "Are you ok?" I always say yeah I'm fine, why? I've advised him to give open, not closed questions, like "What's wrong?" So that I KNOW for a fact that he acknowledges something is wrong and is interested to know what's bothering me, therefore I am more likely to answer with "Well, it's..." That would be helpful to me. I need to learn to let out my emotions bit by bit, as they come, not let them build up until I erupt like a volcano. That is the first step I think and it's a very difficult step, I've been trying to learn this for some time but it's hard because I always feel like people aren't interested but I suppose sometimes I just have to "shout" that I need their support. I don't mean literally shout, but I think you know what I mean...

I know it would be helpful to see a T and I am doing what I can. Work makes it very difficult but I'm trying to come up with ways to work around that... It's not that I'm making excuses or trying to get out of it because I wish I did have the time to do it.

I used to write a journal with all my questions and answers and general daily struggles, but then it got stolen by my Adoptive Family to prove how nuts, mental and insane I am (their words). So I never bothered after that. I didn't have the beginning of the story so why bother? I couldn't start from the middle of my story, so I just didn't see the point. I know I should probably start writing again, but again it's having the time and energy to do it.By the time I've got home after work, tidied up, cooked, cleaned and got ready for bed, I'm far too shattered to even think let alone write what I'm thinking (or not thinking)...

A lot of people say I need to offer myself the same compassion that I offer others. I do listen, but it's very hard to do that because I don't feel that I deserve it like they do - but then again, some of the people I offer that compassion to, don't actually deserve it - maybe that needs a rethink hey...

Likewater: I'm sorry to hear about how your boyfriend reacted to what was actually something that should have been stressing you. I bet it was a very scary experience for you (((((((((Likewater))))))))) Hopefully the police finally listened to you and at least understood a little. I'm sorry about the accident too At least your boyfriend apologised in the end though, that's a good sign that he does really care and maybe he was just so worried for you that it stressed him out. They're rubbish at expressing emotions sometimes!

Lastly, thank you for your list of SI alternatives. I didn't SI specifically, I think I dissociated in the car when I said what I did and again, just erupted and lost control of what I was saying and doing. I don't think our 'friend' (aka Hazel) has even bothered to think about and try to understand the extent to which my depression can break me down sometimes. She seems to think that anyone other than her who is depressed, is attention seeking and weak, but her emotions are much more valid than anyone's. So if someone hurts her, she'll show it and EVERYONE has to know about it and help her, but as soon as she or anyone else hurts someone else, she doesn't care at all and will just say to get over it.

I understand and I appreciate that I can come across as rude when I'm not feeling good, but she should understand that by now and learn NOT to make comments or anything to start arguments and she should learn to either keep quiet or not rub it in my face that her and Dave are having a right giggle and a laugh in the car whilst I'm sitting there feeling sad, like a recluse and like the most un-fun person in the World. She really has no sympathy for others and no respect for me or David at all. I don't want her sympathy, but what I do want is for her to stop LIVING off my (sometimes) misery and unhappiness and others' too, because that is NOT a way to live. It is not healthy for someone to like seeing others unhappy. That is sick and that is just the kind of person that I do not want in my life. I have backed off from her. She is a gossip and she *****es and I do not tolerate people like that in my life because they do not deserve my friendship, my compassion or my love. I don't tell her anything anymore. If she sees me upset, I say I'm just having a bad day, nothing more. And I hope that David doesn't discuss a lot with her because he also knows the same and he has been enraged by her many times.

Jeez if she ever read this, she would be mighty angry! But she needs to know that people won't tolerate her *****iness, her nastiness and her downright rudeness. She told me to stop having a conversation with David in HIS car because she didn't want to hear about it, we were talking about money - fair enough, but still. I came back with (in a very polite manner, no shortness, no raised voice, just a gentle reminder) "It is Dave's car for him to have whatever conversation he likes... So if he's having this conversation, it's up to him." She then told me not to be rude. She is supposed to be 27. I am 20. She is much more like a 16 year old than I am. It infuriates me that she thinks she can decide what we do and don't do and what we do and don't say. THAT is what makes me boil up. She is horribly opinionated and wants to be everyone's friend, but every time at work when I'm sitting eating lunch, people make comments about her, not very flattering or nice comments and I sit and listen and think to myself 'you really aren't liked by these people, yet to try so hard to be.. hat's so sad.'

Anyway, enough from me. I'm feeling better today, wearing a summery dress, having groomed the cats, going out with David for some shopping and lunch I'm trying to cheer myself up...

Thanks everyone,