Hiyas, sorry I didn't reply for so long. I write posts like this and am too embarrassed to come back for a long time to read the replies. But I finally got the guts and here I am.

This is me optimally medicated. Without meds i am even more of a nutbag. So they technically do help to a small degree. If I wasn't on them I am 100% sure I would be dead. It is amazing that with my life is like this and I don't want to die. I want so badly to recover. And all I ever get from anyone is "you aren't trying hard enough" or "it didn't work because you did it wrong" or whatever. I am trying my freaking heart out. I am tired of all the finger pointing. Why can't people see that it doesn't matter whose fault it is, I just want the damn problem fixed (so to speak). I am well aware that I need to do the work, but how can I when I don't know what work it is that i need to do????? And if I ask the therapist, then I am labelled as "lazy, and has a bad attitude" ? I asked her this. She did not respond. Neither did the last one before her. Must be a question that is out of bounds. Maybe I am too blunt. But I don't believe in sugar coating things - I get straight to the point.

BTW I was assessed for a personality disorder but although I had traits, I didn't have enough to qualify as having a personality disorder. Apparently everyone has traits, its pretty normal. I did sign up for an email DBT course though. It had some helpful things in it. I keep them in case I may need some of those tools some time. Where I live (Irequested ECT at the local hospital) they do not give you ECT unless you are nearly catatonic - ie don't eat, dont sleep, don't respond to anything. I'm not quite there yet - maybe one day, at this rate, haha.