I hate to admit it but I'm coming to the point where I have to.

TRIGGERING (graphic)








I keep wanting to find a guy who will take me, and essentially abuse me. I have been actively resisting the urge to go to a bar and find a guy like this, and then convincing him to date me. I don't know why I'm doing this, because I knew I didn't enjoy the last time I had a guy control my life, but I just feel like I miss it.

I think a large part of me has romanticized it, and now is craving the "love" that comes from being controlled, and beaten and raped "for your own good". The worst part is that I'm craving things that are worse than what I went through with my ex's.

I am craving being beaten for small things, and being told I'm worthless again, and that I'm a slut and a ***** and a *****, and that all I'm good for is to be a sex toy. I've gone through this before, and at times I came to enjoy it because I think it helped me cope with other issues. I feel like I did it to myself, and that I'm responsible for making guys do this to me. And I partly am, because I would ask that occasionally they treat me like ****, with safe words. But I purposely let it get out of hand. It's like I'm addicted to abuse, and I don't want to be!

I want to be okay feeling safe. I don't feel okay when I know I'm safe. I only feel like I'm not doing what I'm suppose to. I feel live I've been trained to serve guys, and that now I am without a master. And I feel really uncomfortable telling people about all of this, but I'm at the point that I feel like I can't function without someone controlling my life and making me serve them.

I keep thinking I should just go be a hooker. I'm short on money, and I'd be good at it, I know I would. But then I think about how much that would hurt my mom... and then that she doesn't need to know... but what about school? Well, then just do it over the summer... *sigh* I know it's horrible but I'm worrying myself because that feels more "stable" and "safe" than being with friends and family who love me. I don't even feel bad about it, it's like my brains been re-wired to WANT this treatment, and to WANT to be an object to men, and to WANT to be pushed around and told to shut up, than I'm just a stupid ***** and that all I'm worth is having kids. I feel like I was taken out of my world and now all I want is to be put back into it.

Sorry if this triggered anyone, I just needed to find a way to tell people, and the internet seems to be the only way. I highly doubt I'm going to go through with my plans, although two parts of me would love to, the rest would not, and my friends and family would never let me. Thank you for letting me talk this out...