I just stumbled onto this website by accident by typing "pushing people away"in google. I am not sure exactly how to explain myself but after posts for about 3 hours, I figured I would share my story. I am in my middle 30's, single and living a life completely paralyzed by this disorder. My friends have told me that once someone like a woman gets close to me I push them away. i look back over my life and I guess I do. I push everyone away to a certain extent and it is not becaue I hate them or anything it is just because I gets anxious when people who say they like me are around. I think that I am boring and cant make up my mind who I am, confused, angry and frustrated. I put up smoke and mirrors around others to make them think that I am everything going for me when I dont.

I am a very handsome guy, single. Many people have complemented me on my looks. Some people gravitate towards me like im a super star. maybe in my own mind. I feel like I am better than others and was raised that way. In a religious home told that because I was "saved" as a child that all will be well and that I am lucky that i did not get tainted by the world. I have always had this sense of myself that could not relate to common man, cant be silly, joke, make mistakes, get in trouble. I was always the teacher's pet, achingly and painly pleasing people to avoid dissaproval.

Now in my adult life i have isolated myself beside a few friends, I am terrifeied about making decisions, who to date, what career to choose. I have become completely paralyzed by fear and im not sure why. Self critical thoughts bash me daily. I just want to scream sometimes and go to hell. the place I spent all of my life trying to avoid.

this is just a rant i know, may not make sense. I am tired of not being comfortable in my own skin, feeling powerless in life to just show emotions, choose and be happy.

thats all.