so i have had this account for about a week and when i indroduced myself i didnt really write anything about what im going through but at this point i think i really need to just branch out...... this is going to prolly be a really long post but here it goes...... to start from the beginning i am about to be 21 and im dealing with alot of things so hhere it goes
when i was a kid my mom and my dad had ALOT of problems.... leading up to when i was 11 my mom said my dad didnt want to see my brother anymore..... my mom would feed us lies about my dad so i grew up beliving he was what my mom had said.... up until last thursday i found him and he told me the truth......
well anyways..... when i was 16 i lost my virginity to a guy who broke up with me the next day, i had no one to turn to so i decided to cut myself..... it was really bad....... my friend told my mom about it and she put me in a mental hospital...... she thought i was trying to kill myself and thats not at all what i was trying to do..... i just didnt want to hurt on the inside anymore so i reflected outside.... to something i could control.... bad idea....
to skip a few years.... i still had major problems with my mom..... she got remarried.... im happy for her but she continued to lie and slander my dad.... so i just shut down..... i didnt talk to anyone in my family for years.... basics yes but not anything about me nothing i was going through or anything.... i put up walls with my stepdad, and still have them up with him.... hes not a bad guy idk why i put those walls up but i did and i cant take them down.....
when i was 19 i got pregnant and was really scared to tell my mom and stepdad well they were both super excited and acted like my bestfriends..... i thought it was odd..... well shortly after i had my daughter my mom set me up and made up alot of lies about me and called the cops who forcable put me back in a mental hospital..... they diagonsoed me with ptsd, bipolar type 1, agoriphobia, anxiety, and a few other things i cant remember....
she now has custody of my now 1 year old daughter and refuses to let me see her and i havent seen my daughter since she was 5 months old..... i miss my daughter and i am really depressed about it.... i feel like such a bad mom and i never ever did anything wrong..... i want her back and i dont know how to get her back.......
now i am starting to have other issues.... in july of last year a week before my boyfriend an i got together i was raped by a guy and a girl.... i reported it and 3 weeks ago i went to the preliminary hearing and i just got a letter in the mail from the court saying that the jury found it a no true bill..... meaning both of them walk.... now im trying to fight against it..... it really hurts that thats what the jury said...... its incredibly hard for me to do anything and i try to force myself to be strong.... and 1 not cut, 2 get out of bed, 3 eat, 4 take a shower, 5 get dressed...... there are so many days that i just stay in bed all day and just cry..... my boyfriend doesnt understand and that leads to really bad fights........ i try to tell him and explain to him how i feel and what im going through but somehow he doesnt understand..... i asked him to research some of the things im going through...... i even made the research part easy for him.... he refuses to read the websites i book marked for him.... lately with in the past 2 weeks or so he has been really controlling lately and idk what to do, i cant handle any more stress im seriously considering leaving him and i dont want to cause he is a great guy but something has changed in him..... im trying to go to school soon and i need to fill out more paper work so i can head out to school as soon as i wanted to...... i have so much going on and everything seems to be really negative lately and i feel like im at the end of my rope and im just going to completly break...... but i kno that if i do, i wont be able to get my baby girl back, or go to school or anything, and ill just end up back in the mental hospital..... im trying to find a theripist but i have no ride to get one and i have no insurance please someone help me idk what to do or where to turn and every second is an extremly hard battle to not cut or do something really stupid.... i dont know what to do or where to turn please someone help me and tell me what i should do