my heart goes out to you so so much. I understand what it is like to wonder if the connection with T was ever real, if the love/care was real.......but you know what, even though I don't have the T I loved so much anymore and it didn't end well, I firmly believe the connection/care/nurturing WAS real, WAS special and I choose to hold on to that. and I am very certain from what I remember of you posting in the last year of the things that you and your T shared that you did have a real, a deep, a special connection, an honest, loving relationship ....... I can't know what happened, of course, but I also can't help but wonder if the connection isn't really still there, underneath whatever has been happening now and if you and he couldn't find it again. but what makes my heart ache for you is that it would end this way....I know the pain of bad endings and the wounds left by them.....and how hard it is to look past that and remember the good. but the good is there and your ending need not be like this, my dear! many many many hugs....remember you are loved.