I don't know what is wrong with me.

I am always smiling and seem to be in a good mood. It's so ridiculous that any time I am not smiling or cheerful people I work with assume something is badly wrong with me. When people first get to know me they often ask me how/why I am always have a grin on my face. I have very good social skills and always make people laugh. I generally enjoy myself with these interactions.

I don't do this to be fake, but I go through intense rushes of over-confidence to moments of extreme low self-esteem. Like it can change hourly or be set off by one comment. I try hard to like myself, but deep down I know I don't which is the most painful thing I live with. I am turning 23 years old in a month and always felt that I would grow to like the person that I am, but it still hasn't happened.

This is going to sound extremely arrogant, but pretty much the only time I feel good about myself lately is when I go out to a bar/club and get attention from good looking women. I am considered above average looking and often get called a "pretty boy". I get called cocky very often as well, which I always play off and laugh, because these people do not know how miserable inside I am. And 99.9% of these women I meet, no matter how good looking or good of a personality they have, I have no interest in being with them. My friends often joke wondering if I am gay.

I am a very private person and do not talk about myself/family to anyone. I have trouble expression emotion to anyone and have felt alone my entire life. I don't even tell my mother that I love her. Even though I love her deeply. My father was in prison my entire childhood and I've always felt like he abandoned me and I could never really get over it. My best friends in the world know nothing about my family. Friends I have known since I was 10. I am ashamed. About a year and half ago, I met a girl in a class and we pretty much fell in love very quickly and she eventually begged for information about me. I eventually opened up to her about it, it ended up not working out and it hurt me deeply. More so than I've ever let her or anyone know. I just feel like I've been abandoned by the first person I opened up to and never want to feel like that again. I often wish I never met this girl even though it was the happiest I have ever been in my life.

But, I force a smile everyday in hopes that someday I will grow to appreciate and love the person that I am. It's been fake for almost 23 years, but I hold out hope. My biggest fear is that I am going to wake up, be 40 years old and still feel this way.