Believe in yourself. Know that you are a good mother and you are doing the best you can. What you are experiencing is normal and common both here at PC and elsewhere. Lots of people try to go off their meds, realize it is not always a good option, and then restart. I have gone through this before. It will get better. Be kind to yourself and know that it can take time to accept a diagnosis and proper treatment. Your behavior does not mean you deserve the harsh labels you gave yourself. Rejoin with your pdoc and cone up with a plan that you can both agree to. Then go give those beautiful children a hug as you allow yourself to feel proud you are managing so well, AND YOU ARE. I have been in your situation and I struggled with diagnoses and the forecast of a life-time of meds. It's hard and scary and confusing and it can make you angry! Please don't take the anger out on yourself - you and your kids don't deserve it. Try taking it a day at a time. But do be careful about suddenly starting or stopping meds since some need to be titraited up or down slowly for fear of dangerous side-effects. You sound conflicted but intelligent and invested in "doing the best thing". Maybe a T and a pdoc together can help you gain clarity. Also continue to use PC and ask us about our similar experiences. Maybe our stories can help you sort out your situation. It can't hurt!
Take care and feel better soon
Daze