I hate being here. AGAIN.

Tomorrow is my appointment with T and I want to terminate. What is wrong with me?!?!?!??!?

I don't want to go. I didn't call today and cancel, I just want to disappear. No call. No note. Nothing. I want to be done.

I am so confused and T is not doing very good at helping me sort it all out. It s****, really.

We've been together over 2 1/2 years. I made a promise to myself ( and T) very early on in this therapy that I would not run away, even with experience of Terminating T but I just can't hold on anymore. I CAN"T.

When I learned he shared my personal email with a staff member, I stayed.
When he overreacted one day last September, I left and it took me a month to return. I felt guilty. I blamed myself and more. I told him I needed a break.
In December, I requested to return.
In January, after a two week break, another rupture. This one over the revelation that my former MT (who on the day of my H and I appointment last year, sent an automated email saying he was no longer in private practice) never left the practice. He was still there and my T (always) knew. My T who sat in the same room and watched me grieve deeply because of my prior experience with TT#1 and now, MT. Who listened to me read an email written to MT requesting a final termination session and MT's response which said he had to leave suddenly and would be unable to provide that request. He suggested we could process with someone else, if needed. My T knew all of this. He knew it was all a lie and yet, he allowed it.

My T says it is all true, but he didn't share with me because he wasn't MT's boss and because he knew how much I was already hurting from the first experience, he didn't want me to be hurt more. He never understood MT's reasons behind the termination.

I told him, his decision not to share left me powerless.

Trust is a HUGE issue for me. A few weeks ago I told T I thought I was building a foundation on which I could stand, but realized it's more like shifting sand. T wiped a tear from his eye.

We both have worked so hard on this, I don't want to let him, or myself, down. I just can't go on like this. It hurts TOO much.

I sent T an email a little over two weeks ago asking him to return to weekly appointments until I am able to fully work through these ruptures and process. I told him, I was struggling and was contemplating walking away. Instead, I wanted to reach out to him and see if he could help me through it. He replied via email, and said he would let his receptionist know immediately. We talked again about it the following week, he said he would look for a cancellation. Last week came and nothing. Last Thursday, I sent an email saying I regretted asking for additional time. A day and a half later (Friday, 4:30ish) he responded with an apology saying nothing opened up.

I sent him back a quick reply which said, I knew. I was sorry, too. I said, " I don't ask for much but when I do, it's because it is needed. Nevermind."

I totally felt, unheard.

And this is my struggle. The pain in T is beginning to be greater than the pain outside of T. I am being honest. I am being patient. I am being real. I haven't run. I have always returned and shared with T, always being very open and honest.

I don't know how much more of this I can take? I want to protect myself.

When is enough, ENOUGH?