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Originally Posted by CgRgSm
Hi, I have posted a few times here but I never told my story, not that anyone would want to hear it. I wouldn't mind hearing what someone would say to this.
I am 22 years old (male) and feel I'm at the end of my life. I really don't have any huge physical issues, or really any other big mental problems other than depression, well possibly low self-esteem. I know that life could always be worse, but every night (well mornings for me cause I work the graveyard shift) I hope and pray that I will never wake up.
I have been living with parts of my immediate family throughout my life thus far, never living totally alone, but feeling totally alone. I feel like no one will ever know who I truly am, not that I really know myself at all either, though. I don't trust myself, and I don't want to buy a gun and go to a shooting range with my brother, I know he wants to do it for fun, but if I have a gun in my hands I don't trust myself that I won't kill myself with it, and I can't tell him that.
I hate everything, sometimes I hate people, but I don't blame them, cause I believe in cause and effect and that there is always a logical explanation for everything that people do/things that happen. My user name is short for "Cogito Ergo Sum" or "I think therefore I am". I recognize the feelings that humans can get, but then I also believe that all I can truly "know" without a doubt, is that I exist. I can't even prove that anyone else is real. To me, nothing is real.
I have been quiet and shy all my life. I have heard the same things all my life, and I am sick of it. I am sick of everything and I wanna die. I can't change who I am, I have a distinct personality, I can't get out of this depression, out of my body, or out of my mind. I have never been with a girl, all I have ever done is talk to them, one girl used to hug me every day for a reason I don't know, but she was a psycho, convinced that she was the devil's child. Sometimes I think I should have gone with her, just to be with somebody, but I never did.
I never had that instinct of wanting to be something when I grew up, I never wanted to be a doctor, or firefighter, or anything. I still don't know what I'm supposed to do. The world is too difficult for me, I cannot go on. I have no will to live and I am barely surviving, having to have people take care of me. If I live alone I will let myself go, I just don't have the will to care for myself. Everything is so overwhelmingly difficult for me, I don't ever do anything except play video games but lately I've lost the interest. I can't imagine how a person could be happy, or what that is like, I don't think I've ever been happy. I feel I have nothing to offer anyone, worthless, very lonely, and like there is no point to anything. Alright. I think I'm done typing.
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My life is similar to yours in many ways. Ive also always felt alone even when i have had some people around me. I just feel like I never actually am connected with anyone and that I am just sort of present and my presence is rarely noticed. Ive thought about getting a gun sometimes, just to have one for protection, but I also deep down dont really trust myself with one because I get really depressed some days and dont know what Id do with it.
I feel like Ive never really felt true happiness either. I feel like most of the time I am sad and I get small moments of happiness when I distract myself with stuff like books,tv,video games, and movies because they take my mind off of my life. When I am done being distracted by those I feel awful again. And really I cant go my whole life wasting time doing stuff like that all the time. Very soon I need to start working full time after I finish my college degree. I feel like I dont know if I can handle the normal type of life people live. Like going to work would be ok for me because at least it would distract me hopefully from my unhapiness, but once I get home every day and am alone again I think it would just feel even worse than I feel now.
And yea I feel like you too in that I feel confused for my life. I still have no idea what I am going to do for a career. Im going to have a degree in history but that isnt very good for jobs. So I am still pretty clueless as to what I am going to do. I feel like I have no direction or goals to really strive for. Im also shy and have low self-esteem, so I feel pretty worthless and hopeless for my personal/social life as well. I ve been going to social anxiety group therapy sessions and even there I feel like an outcast. They all seem relatively normal and I feel like I am a weirdo even compared to them. They all at least have some friends, a significant other, and seem generally like they do ok with their social lives. I feel like just interacting with people at all is like foreign to me and I dont know how to deal with that and get better. I either just stay really quiet around people, or when I do talk I get nervous and talk all fast without thinking and end up looking like an idiot. I did that in the therapy session too heh.
I dont know if I have any advice to give you man. I feel for your situation though. Just hang in there. I guess thats all we can do for now. Theres still a small hope things can improve, even if they seem like total crap right now. Thats why I keep trying to go on as well.