I understand what you're saying about the anger being quick to present itself as well as the self-blame.

You need to look a little deeper though. How are you at expressing deep fears or sadness? I can see the guilt that you're fighting inside, but was the incident that caused PTSD your fault at all? It wasn't our fault. Sometimes, we fall into harming ourselves (one way or another) habitually. We were unfortunately in the wrong place at the wrong time. A lot of times, we didn't have the support that we needed to help us work through the trauma/s either.

So often, we immediately blame ourselves for the suffering. We should have known better. We should have fought back harder, or whatever... I doubt that we'll ever forget the pain that we find ourselves gripping onto tightly. We won't forget what we should have done. The hope is that we can develop a healthy set of skills to work through our emotions related to the trauma/s and let go of the self-blame and self-hate. Then, we'll be ready to trust more and enjoy life. That's what I believe.

I haven't gotten there yet ~ but I can see that I need to let go of my self-hate before I can move forward anymore. I hope that you get to that same point and beyond very soon!