beauflow - one of the best therapies, I think, is simply being committed to some project and making a go of it - that could be some college courses, or any kind of courses. That could be showing up at your job, or having a business. I think mainly it needs to involve having to show up some where, at a certain time of the day, being productive in some fashion, and being held accountable in some way like by having to earn your grade for the course, or your money for the job. And it needs to involve having to collaborate with other people in some fashion. (We are social animals, and I believe much of what is troubling us has its roots in some interpersonal strife, or pain from somewhere in out past.)

To be honest with you, I think that sitting alone in a room one-on-one with someone who seems to be always challenging you can be kind of dead-end. My belief is that no one can argue me into a higher state of wellness. The last therapist I had, who was really smart and sensitive, said that Therapy in modern America rests too heavily on the belief that we mainly need to become more logical. For that reason, he was not a big believer in Cognitive Therapy. (At least not for someone like me.)

Many PC members here do seem to find going to their T's to be extremely valuable for them. I totally believe them. I just am not convinced that it is all that valuable for everyone, especially not for someone who finds that going leads to feeling more upset. For a person like that, maybe like you and myself, I think more interaction with other people, from whom we can possibly get positive feedback, is what is really needed.

It can be cultivating new friends (I am not good at that.) or it can be in the context of something structured like school, tennis lessons, volunteer work at the local Humane Society, or whatever. (I do better with structure.) Mainly, we do need the opportunity to get to know others, whom we might eventually be able to share more of ourselves with (not necessarily the deepest traumas of our life.) In regards to the deep traumas, I feel kind of positive about support groups set up specifically for persons with a certain problem, or history of a particular trauma/tragedy.

I would advise being somewhat wary of professionally moderated support groups. Everyone ends up in competition for the approval of the moderator. Some of these groups may be wonderful; I'm sure that there are some that are. I was in one that was awful. A peer there spent weeks telling us how horrible a mother she had. Then, one week, she announced that "Rose reminds me of my mother." I ended up in tears, feeling that I was a repulsive human being, and the two moderators there said that there was no good reason for me to become as upset as I became. I am much more trusting of peers working together on their own. Even there the quality varies a lot from group to group. You have to shop what's available.

If you possibly can, go back to school this year. You are at a wonderful age to be in school. Just becoming a more all-around educated person can give you better thinking tools with which to handle your problems yourself.

I'm glad you are still with your guy. Through what you say, I have always been impressed with the supportiveness you seem to find in him. I think you also need a BFF, or even just a few acquaintances whom you can go for pizza with or talk on the phone with now and then. Maybe you have them, IDK. If not - work on getting hooked up socially. That will make or break your life, I promise you. Good Luck.

Out of this, take what you find of use and just leave the rest.

Oh, by the way, those ant-convulsants and ant-ipsychotic drugs come with not just little piddling side effects, but some real potential to harm you. Unless you see yourself deriving notable benefit from them, don't be over-impressed with the promise of "mood stabilizing" that gets touted to you. At least, while you are on the computer, do a bit of research into the risks/benefits. I believe that no one can medicate trauma away. It must be loved/respected away - I think. You need to be loved, and you need to have others to love. I use the word love, not in the real intimate sense, alone - but in the sense of good fellowship with others who like you and whom you like. Even the right job can provide a lot of that. Take care.