well this is a hard one!

....but insomnia, what a glorious thing, noisy brain demanding I solve a problem.
more like just tryin' to sleep at a rock concert where nobody can play their instruments halfway decent AT ALL!

I'm guessing that this falling in love business is the most sought after thing on the planet....or is that money or somethin' else?

In my weird little world it's the real prize but somethin' goes wrong in the process of finding it....everytime.

I am so empty I can't leave the house without searching desperately for it....this need. I have my entire horizon under constant surveillance...and it's quite amazing how in so many other peoples eyes you can see the same thing....searching.

But I also see fear there and it only occurred to me just now that most people are afraid to complete the search....and then there is dumbass ridiculously insecure me wandering around with the audacity to think I am capable of this love business just because I want the damn thing so bad!
....conveniently forgetting how hopeless I am at it.

By the time I've made it to town...walk and bus and more walk and finally at college I have thought.."is it her?"....that one!, "or her?"...."that one over there maybe?" what a looney! it's a funny thing. doesn't matter where I go.

so anyway I do end up meeting someone in my class and in my typical borderline fashion it's basically all over before it even begins....and this happens because I drop entirely all my defences so that I can let anything this person has in ...anything and everything even if it's nothing. totally fearless and desperate!

....this of course backfires insanely over the next few days in my head because 'normal' people just don't drop their defences like that! They want something to hang onto..something of their own still....and meanwhile I am running about the place naked and screaming to myself! who am I? ....give me back!

I have met my future lover followed shortly after by my worst enemy EVER! ....and the flip flop between these two increases to a maddening emotional vibration deep inside until I can't cope no more!

I am just grateful I'm not acting out this stuff like I usually do cos then I would need some serious substance abuse to deal with it.

....so is it an idea?....falling in love with the idea of having it?. the affection, the trust, the intimacy, companionship and all the other goodies that go along with it? It's so overwhelming the prospect of fulfilling the fantasy that it just scares the crap out of most everybody and having this bpd just seems to make one fearless in the pursuit!

maybe it's a marvelous thing?....maybe it's just nuts?
now I can sleep