I have this crazy fear of never waking up again. Like I'll fall asleep and be stuck as an alter forever.

I get this fear when I realized that I have lost huge chunks of time. Like I don't remember being in the hospital just recently. And they specialized in DID, but I have no memory of it. I have sketchy memories I should say. Like it happened in a dream or I was watching it in a movie. Or it happened to someone else and they're telling me about it, and showing me a photo album or a video recording.

I've lost whole chunks of years before. I don't remember my first year of college. I don't remember my graduation. I don't remember my niece being born. I have pictures and everyone elses accounts. But I have no memory. It drives me nuts not being in control.

It's really scary to "wake up" one day and realize months have gone by. Where was I? What did I do? Information starts to reel across the loudspeaker system in my head.

But if the body went to a trauma program and I didn't attend, how on earth can I catch up with that? I see the therapist tomorrow. I'm hoping she can help me connect to that time a little more. I'm taking my journal I kept inpatient along.

I just got released not even two weeks ago. And in that two weeks I must have made a massive switch, because it feels so far away. Like it happened years ago. The memories are not fresh. This is always my worst fear. Of waking up and so much time has gone be.