(((((((((((((Time0)))))))))))))))

Maybe try instead of pushing it away when it come up say - Ok, I know you are there and I know you happened"

With me the more I try to push a strong thought away the more it stays and gathers more "power" over my thoughts and so on. When I acknowledge it and do something with it (for example I write it down put it in my containment box - construction paper covered shoe box with lid - then I go for a walk or bike ride and focus on what I am seeing and so on during that walk or bike ride) By doing something with it, its no longer this big dark secret that I have to keep inside me.

Hang in there.