No judgement coming from me Argv, just trying to help you map things out. Seriously, I have spilled my guts on here plenty and have been very honest, enough to be judged forsure, people at PC just seem pretty good about that, more so than the outside world maybe.

There is so much at play here, I think it would be really hard to sort what from what. You have got physical/emotional abuse, neglect, sexual abuse, those things right there can have massive effects on you, and no one handles those things exactly alike. Then you have had issues with drugs/alcohol use, I've seen you mention it but I don't know the extent, you also said this started at a young age.

If you really worked through these issues and explored them from the inside out with a good therapist, what I am wondering is what you would be left with after? I don't really like to assume anything, but I am going to assume you are not too happy, you sound like a pretty angry guy. I'm just wondering whats below the anger, and what do you want out of life? Do you want happiness, do you want to feel more, experience the world through different eyes? And do you want the chaos?