I don't think Melissa meant you annoy her. I think what she was saying is that the other ASPD people on this site don't care for others opinionins about their experience, and you seem to care somewhat. The point being psychopaths could care less about one anyone thinks of themselves ( are they? Are they not ? ) That and they wouldn't apologize for annoying anyone ( hands over power ).

That's what I took from it.

It's possible to repress emotion to an extreme. It's protection. You talk in circles with a therapist but what would happen if you didn't do that? I'm not trying to be pushy. It's just that having been in similar places myself, but also experiencing the opposite I realize that life has so much more for me. Sure I do the same thing day to day. Clean, take care of kids, make artful things, physical activity and sleep. But that isn't the true experience in my mind. The compassion, empathy, conectedness to the universe give me so much more deep intense feelings than emptyness ever did. Its hard to explain but I think it's something we all do/can have, and why miss it.

I think it would be interesting to know what's underneath, know the whole self vs. What could just be ego self or skimming the surface. Doesn't mean your going to turn into some mushy guy all of a sudden. And who knows either, maybe there is something there that would make creating music even more powerful. I'm a creator too, I understand the scary thought of loosing it, I felt like that with my meds. But holding back from trying to get the full human experience can also be limiting in ways too.

If you did find out what's underneath and didn't like it, you could always go back to same as before pretty much. Our minds are powerful things, but we sure do like to be comfortable with what we know whether its good or bad. It's familiar. I was watching a documentary last night, they mentioned how one of the minds basic functions/ thought is to do everything in the way the uses the least energy, survival basics. Always doing what we know and what is familiar uses the least energy in more ways than one. Maybe that's partly why we like it.

Likeing your depressive hole actually doesnt sound weird at all, sounds familiar and common. Like I said we like what's familiar, familiar is safe, we know what to expect. Change is scary, hard, and requires a huge amount of energy and effort, and it doesn't feel safe, so we avoid it at all costs a lot of the time.