Hi all,

I hope this is okay. I need to write this out. I had my session at 10 this morning and already I don't remember much of it. I'm hoping to jog my memory by writing.

As some of you might remember, I wrote down the CSA and other stuff after last week's session. I've never written it down before. It was always up in my head, a big mass jumble of confused thoughts. I'm sure it looked that way in my journal, too.

As soon as I got in T's room today, I handed her the journal and told her I'm giving this to her now before I decide not to.

And....she sat there and read it to herself! Time went soooo sloooow as she read. OMG. I was humiliated, embarrassed, shaking, couldn't breathe, it was awful. I think I made some kind of noise or sighed or something, because at one point she stopped and looked at me (I think...I couldn't look at her) and asked if it was okay for her to read right then. I said it was okay.

So she got done reading, and I'm staring at her bookcase and wishing I could disappear. And she started talking. And her words were soft and soothing, and her "s" sounds on her words were kind of long and drawn out but I found it soothing. Weird thing to think about, but I was focusing on that as she talked.

I don't remember much of what she said. I know she thanked me a couple of times for writing it down and for trusting her. She told me I was brave.

She asked if I wanted to talk about what I wrote, or if I wanted to focus on the here and now. I said I could talk about it.

So she asked questions, but very gently. I don't remember much. At one point, she was trying to figure out what triggered the memory of the CSA. (I began remembering a few years ago). And I didn't know, but then I remembered and I couldn't get the words out. I couldn't talk. And she asked if I was remembering and I nodded yes. And we sat with that for a few minutes. She asked if I could tell her. And I tried. And finally I told her. Just a little bit, but I told her.

One of my memories involves sitting on the person's lap. And she talked about that. And about what can happen to a man...you know what I mean. And that it wasn't my fault. I was so ashamed when she talked about that. I couldn't say anything to her.

I wasn't able to look at her at all during the session. She talked a lot and said more things but I don't remember much. I think I must have been disassociating a lot because it's all hazy. Things still don't seem real to me. None of this feels real. I don't feel real either. I was feeling cold, very very cold.

Then it was over and time to go. She asked if I had any questions. She has never asked me that before. So I sat there and thought about it. And I asked her if she hated me. And she said no, she didn't hate me. She said more but I only remember the not hating me part.

Then she asked if she could keep my journal for the week!!!!! She said she was a slow reader and she wanted to read it again I didn't know what to say. How can I trust her with that? I asked if she would show it to anyone else and she said no way. That she would never show it to anyone and that I could trust her with it. And I said it was okay for her to have it but now I'm not sure. It was very scary leaving those words behind with her.

She walked me down the hallway, and as she said goodbye, I turned, and without thinking, I looked up at her for the first time. And I saw her eyes. And I saw compassion there.