Yes, people need their own 'separateness'. I don't think we quite figured this part out. I often think I'm like a 'Borg' (Star Trek race that is connected to all the other 'borg' minds while still maintaining a vestige of an individual identity but it is barely perceptible) that has been disconnected and is desperately wanting to reconnect even though she knows it's not good for her because she will lose herself to the others. I have a feeling this problem started in infancy, at least for me. Some kind of horrible rupture before it was time or something like that. I never quite learned how to be separate or how to be OK with it. The fantasy is to be with the other 24/7, which is simply not possible or good for me or the other.
The reality is I am even more separate than most people, like I crave one extreme and end up in living in the other. I don't know what the answer is, but I am trying to do things differently and see if I get different results. As much as I can tolerate, I am trying to let the other person set the pace for a change.