Not sure how to explain this but want to try.

I'm used to dealing with stuff on my own. It's what I've had to do because no one was there for me as a child. I find reaching out to others very hard and I'm quite introverted. Also, when I did grow up and start to reach out to others, it went wrong because I enjoyed the connection so much I went overboard and the person ran away.

I have a really good T who I've seen a fair while. She has never encouraged out of session contact but isn't against it either. Sometimes I've emailed her, sometimes she replies, occasionally I've rang her. Because she isn't 'part of' my life as such, I've had to get on with things alone and I'm used to that.

At the moment I'm having an extremely bad time and I feel pretty awful. T told me I was welcome to ring her anytime. This felt a big thing to hear because she knows someone else told me this some years ago and I went overboard literally ringing ALL the time. It means a lot that she trusts me. I rang her earlier in the week more out of a sense of needing to tell her something than anything else. I considered ringing later in the week but didn't. But then T rang me yesterday to see how I was - something she has never done. I was so shocked and touched. But more than anything it has left me feeling kind of empty.

I can't explain why. Maybe having something from T has intensified the need for someone. I'm so used to dealing with stuff alone that I don't even miss having someone to turn to. I'm having a bad time but in the past I had a T who was totally against any out of session contact even when I was suicidal and I suppose I'm used to dealing with extreme pain on my own. I want the connection but due to pushing people away I just get on with it.

I don't know how to take T's call or the need for futher contact. When things die down T won't want me calling her all the time so why should I get used to it now? What purpose would it serve? Why does her calling me suddenly bring up frightened feelings? I'm glad she called but I don't want to need her too much. That will only push her away too.

Does this ramble make any sense to anyone?