That's what I'm afraid of.

Things got REALLY bad last night. I was feeling worse and worse as the hours dragged on. The last I had talked to T was for 5 minutes around 11am. I had been driving around aimlessly, and when the silent tears started rolling I went home.

After sitting for a few minutes I started sobbing uncontrollably for a while. You know, the ugly cry, where you feel like the air is stabbing your throat with knives on the way in, shoulders shaking, sound like a dying creature cry.

I still felt truly awful, but at least I could breathe after that.

Crying always makes me feel better, but I can't just do it on command.

On Wednesday I was feeling very suicidal for hours, had a plan and was by myself and everything.

Couldn't cry then.

Sigh.