Here is what I have processed related to T telling me she is uncomfortable with my clingy-ness so far:

Why T stating her boundary regarding touch triggers feelings of rejection:

My mother was not affectionate. I was bottle-fed and most pictures of me show Mom holding me at an arm's distance. I believe young children need physical affection from their mothers to feel safe, wanted, loved. As a child, I don't particularly remember feeling safe except when I was with my maternal grandparents. They showered me with affection. I still wanted Mom to love me that way, but she could not and I have forgiven her for that. That doesn't make the craving go away.

In school, from sixth grade until graduation, I was considered the "ugly girl". Made fun of. Barked at (that was the worst). I was untouchable. If someone touched me by accident, they would say, "oh, gross," and wipe off whatever body part was affected. My schoolmates and I were rather socially immature. We were treated as children from kindergarten (when we deserved it) through graduation day (when we did not). Our diplomas were not in the folders we received during the ceremony. If anyone "tried anything" during the ceremony, they would not receive their diploma (in the mail).

Being socially immature and not really learning basic social skills due to isolation by my parents and school has caused me a lot of problems in life. I have a tendency to be aloof with the world at large which turns people off. I have a tendency to be clingy with people I allow to get to know me which usually makes them run away. I don't want to be aloof or clingy. I'd love to find a happy medium, but I don't know how.

I am bi, but it is not a sexual affection I crave; it is anything but...I want a woman, older than I, to love me that way. To just hold me for more than a few seconds. To let me rest my head on their shoulder for a few minutes. I receive affection from H and have received affection from other men. That does not satisfy the craving at all. It is unreasonable to believe that my craving will ever be considered, much less satisfied. I don't know too many people who wouldn't think it's weird or gross. I feel great shame in desiring this from anyone. I feel embarrassed and ashamed that T tried to fulfill it to some extent, but was uncomfortable the whole time. I thought it was okay because I figured if it wasn't, she'd be honest and tell me. The fact that she thought it was in my best interest at the time is only mildly comforting; that she was willing to make that sacrifice for my sake, but simultaneously struggle with the fact that I love her and doing something for my sake made someone I love uncomfortable. I don't feel that I or that craving is worthy of that sacrifice.

I realize that it is not all my fault. T chose not to state the parameter in the beginning. She said she feels she was wrong to have allowed it to happen. She took responsibility for that. That is an adult reaction.

It still hurts on a lot of levels. It triggers Mom's physical rejection, which made me feel unwanted, unloved, and unsafe. It triggers being untouchable, which made me feel unworthy, unwanted, and unloved. It triggers fears of homophobia, which made me feel like something was wrong with me.

I feel shame, rejection, fear, anger, anxiety, loneliness, and doubt.