Hi all—
I came from a bad broken home, alcoholic father, and emotionally absent mother who was very verbally and emotionally abusive. Naturally, I grew up with very low self-esteem and battle it daily. I graduated from college years ago and had a job for only a 1/3 of that time. I'm dealing more with my mother's abusiveness more than anything else. I've cut off contact with her in the last year and have been better, but I still have problems controlling my emotions and feeling better about myself. I'm nearly 30.
My bf is younger than me by several years, and this is his first relationship. Naturally, I've had many. Somedays we are fantastic, but most days we're snapping at eachother and I go off on him in a emotional rage, crying my eyes out and feeling so alone. Often feeling mistunderstood. and duh! How could he understand me? He came from a good home, was raised by relatively good people (his mom's dad was an alcoholic, so she understands me a bit), so obviously this is all new to him. He probably doesn't understand me either because emotionally, he has a lot of growing up to do and isn't in touch with how he feels on a deeper level.
He tries to understand all the problems I have, but can only relate so much, can only say he's sorry so much. He is very nurturing, but is still finding himself, is and is emotionally immature in the sense that you're still pretty selfish and just do everything with only yourself in sight. Some days I feel like taking care of me, as nurturing as it is, is more or less just ego boost for him, that I depend on and need him to stay together and am not in pieces. We're about 2 years into our relationship.
We really want to work on this and want to stay together, but it has been very hard. i feel like my emotions are really at the root of why we fight most of the time. I get angry or irritated and just go off when he does immature things (and honestly, they are immature), then i find myself calling him names, telling him that he's stupid or an idiot, all the things that have been done to me.
i completely realize this is a continuation of a viscous cycle. its hard to control it sometimes, and I don't want him thinking that this is how relationships are supposed to be! that eats me up inside.
it's definitely not how he should be seeing things, but i don't know how to control my mouth when things get heated. I will admit, I have hit him as well. i'm not proud of it. he blatantly lied to me about something concerning our finances, and some other things concerning our future, and made a lot of excuses about why instead of being honest. still, i should not have hit him.
On the plus side of all this (yes, there is a plus side), I don't bottle things up — I'm a very expressive, open person. He knows all my secrets, the way that I tick, you name it. When I'm angry, I try very hard to talk about it. Same with sad, irritated, everything in between. I give him fair warning to walk away (though sadly there is likely a threat tied into it "you NEED to walk away —I don't know what I'll do..."). He's not innocent in many ways, but I know he doesn't deserve the treatment I've given him.
I can't see a therapist now—I really, REALLY don't want to be part be involved in group therapy (i live in a tight knit, small community) and I can't afford other treatment options right now.
Does anyone have any advice on how to control themselves when angry? How to take control of your emotions when they seem to be out of control? How to stop the cycle of abuse in the ripple that affects you? Maybe something your own therapists have said?
Anything right now would help