I sometimes think I get so caught up in my feelings that I forget they are just information, not actions, and I become rather like my two cats who, when you point to what you want them to look at, they look at the end of your finger instead of the object you're pointing at.

"I feel great shame in desiring this. . .". Do you feel shame in desiring to be rich and happy? Perhaps that's not a "true" desire of yours. How about when you are cold and wet, have come inside after being out in a cold, winter rain. Do you feel shame in desiring to be warm and dry?

I remember when I was 5 or 6 and almost every night I would get out of the bathtub and immediately huddle down next to the toilet, naked, with only a towel covering my shoulders and back. I'd be "stuck" like that, shivering for many minutes, unable to get myself to stand up and truly experience the chill, dry off completely and run into the bedroom and get into my warm, flannel pajamas. Often my stepmother would come in and either (a) chivvy me along in an irritated, frustrated, distracted manner to "quit fooling around" and dry off and get in my pajamas; sometimes it was worse and she'd mention my position, huddled against the toilet in a disapproving way, or (b) lift me up herself, dry me off, quickly, "warmly" and well, get me into my pj's and into bed where she'd start massaging my back and use the bed's good box springs to bounce me up and down in a pleasant, "fun" manner.

Neither way my stepmother used to get me from tub to bed was "right" or "wrong" and what I learned from that (the possibility of "(b)" being so pleasant it was worth huddling and living through "(a)" when it happened but "(a)" happened enough that I learned it was "odd" to huddle against toilets after one's bath, that is not a "normal" behavior other children had and my stepmother thought it "bad"/"wrong"), just more or less pleasant for me.

As I grew older, (a) happened more often than (b) so I learned to associate huddling against toilets after baths with something one did not do and (b) was pretty much extinguished and, by degree of negativity expressed, I knew my stepmother associated such behavior right up there with defecating in my pants (I had an "issue" when I was 7 which resulted in encopresis) and, not having any other "authority" to base my facts on (this is 1957 so no Google yet :-) I too decided it must bad, wrong, shameful, you-name-it and, since I was the doer, I must be bad, wrong, shameful too.

Do I have a point here? I'm not 7 anymore an my stepmother is dead. I still do not like being cold after I have had a bath/shower and would love to have my stepmother back to dry me off warmly, cuddle me, and massage my back. However, I now see that huddling against the toilet did not "cause" my stepmother's behavior. If my stepmother had only ever done (a), I would still not like being cold after I have had a bath/shower and would love my stepmother to dry me off warmly, cuddle me, and massage my back. I do not feel ashamed of that desire; it would be wonderful! But it is not practical for my adult life.

Wanting to be held by a mother-figure because you did not get all that you wanted as a child (any!) is not a shameful desire. It's not an any judgement desire, it just is. But what use is it other than as a comforting thought/desire or information to let you know you should look for some way to comfort yourself. Children cry themselves to sleep while they are learning to self-soothe themselves to sleep. If they aren't allowed to be unhappy and learn to self-soothe, they have that tough task to learn later. You now have the task of learning to love yourself in such a way that you are not ashamed of your feelings, to love yourself in such a way that you figure out how to soothe your desires (somewhat) rather than to be soothed by another. That takes a period of "crying yourself to sleep".