I sympathise with you. You are in unbearable pain and desperate need of support.

And yet...

Your T has decided she doesn't want you to send her emails.
She has also decided that she is not going to give you the slightest encouragement.
You break her rule, you get a short, sharp slap in the face.

This is a hurtful decision on her part, but you can't pretend she hasn't made it clear.
This is what she means when she says you don't respect her boundaries.

What your T (and mine!) has failed to do is to say:
"When you feel a need to email me, don't. Instead, why not ..."

I don't know what goes in the blank because my T never told me! But three possibilities are:

1. Go for a walk
2. Write in your journal
3. Tell it to Teddy