I have spent some time (after a good night's sleep and some needed time away from thinking about everything) further processing the triggers I wrote about yesterday and came up with some resolutions.

Why T stating her boundary regarding touch triggers feelings of rejection:

Past Factors:
1. My mother was not affectionate.
I was bottle-fed and most pictures of me show Mom holding me at an arm's distance. I believe young children need physical affection from their mothers to feel safe, wanted, loved. As a child, I don't particularly remember feeling safe except when I was with my maternal grandparents. They showered me with affection. I still wanted Mom to love me that way, but she could not and I have forgiven her for that. That doesn't make the craving go away.

2. Being the "ugly girl".
In school, from sixth grade until graduation, I was considered the "ugly girl". Made fun of. Barked at (that was the worst). I was untouchable. If someone touched me by accident, they would say, "oh, gross," and wipe off whatever body part was affected. I was called many names, such as "dog", "the Painess" (play on my maiden name and "@$$"), "weirdo", "dork", and "nerd". My schoolmates and I were rather socially immature. We were treated as children from kindergarten (when we deserved it) through graduation day (when we did not). Our diplomas were not in the folders we received during the ceremony. If anyone "tried anything" during the ceremony, they would not receive their diploma (in the mail).

3. Being bisexual in a homophobic peer cohort.
From early on (about age 10), I thought something was wrong with me because when friends were having crushes on boys, I was having crushes on female teachers. Starting in junior high school, my classmates and I started hearing about ho-mo-sex-ew-awls, also called ******s, fruits, and fairies, from the pulpit in chapel. It sounded as if being a ho-mo-sex-ew-awl was one of the worst sins ever, up there with murder, rape, and listening to that "devil rock music". So I hid my tendency. I was always afraid when I hugged another female, that she thought I was ho-mo-sex-ew-awl, that it "showed" and that nobody wanted to touch me because of it.

Analysis of past and current factors:
I am bi, but it is not a sexual affection I crave; it is anything but...I want a woman, older than I, to love me that way. To just hold me for more than a few seconds. To let me rest my head on their shoulder for a few minutes. I receive affection from H and have received affection from other men. That does not satisfy the craving at all. It is unreasonable to believe that my craving will ever be considered by anyone, much less satisfied. I don't know too many people who wouldn't think it's weird or gross. I feel great shame in desiring this from anyone. I feel embarrassed and ashamed that T tried to fulfill it to some extent, but was uncomfortable the whole time. I thought it was okay because I figured if it wasn't, she would be honest and tell me. The fact that she thought it was in my best interest at the time is only mildly comforting; that she was willing to make that sacrifice for my sake, but simultaneously struggle with the fact that I love her and doing something for my sake made someone I love uncomfortable. I don't feel that I or that craving is worthy of that sacrifice; however I realize that it is not all my fault. T chose not to state the parameter in the beginning. She chose to give in despite her own discomfort. She said she feels she was wrong to have allowed it to happen. She took responsibility for that.

It still hurts on a lot of levels. It triggers Mom's physical rejection, which made me feel unwanted, unloved, and unsafe. It triggers being untouchable, which made me feel unworthy, unwanted, and unloved. It triggers fears of homophobia, which made me feel unworthy, different, and wrong.

I feel shame, rejection, fear, anger, anxiety, loneliness, and doubt. It also makes me feel that none of the emotions I felt and thought were returned by T were real. I feel as if she lied to me. I wonder if she was cringing inside when I held on for too long. I wonder if she dreaded my appointments.

Resolutions:
1. Recognize that the boundaries of others have little to do with me.
2. Respect the boundaries of others and develop some of my own.
3. Live in the present and be grateful for what I have.
4. Accept that my mother is still physically distant and that will probably never change.
5. Realize that people no longer bark at me; in fact, I am described by many as attractive, especially my eyes.
6. Acknowledge that there are always going to be homophobic people.
7. Understand that my "craving" to be held by a mother figure will probably never be satisfied in this lifetime.
8. Learn how to self-soothe and love myself.

If nothing else, it's a step toward healing.