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ThePainNeverDies · Mar 17, 2012, 09:50 PM

Hi everyone,

Thanks again all for your replies... The pain has been much less today. I woke up with a raging migraine - one of the worst I've had in a long time - I was going to stay in bed but it wouldn't allow me to sleep, nor would it allow me to get up without falling over.. A shower lessened the pain and later on I went to get some juice to take pain killers with and milk to heat up to settle my tummy. As I walked to the supermarket, my head span, I felt horribly weak and every time I moved my eyes, everything around me felt like my eyes were dragging it. I got there and back safely and collapsed on the sofa to rest.

I've had a really good day, I've been proactive, I've started writing a new music piece, I've started singing again and I've started socialising again. I feel like I'm becoming me again. I'd rather be on my own than with someone who can't adjust to me being independent and particular in the way I do things - especially not after I moved 300 miles away from my family for him and didn't see my Mother for two Christmases. So I've been feeling happier today. I cried because someone said to me:

"You are a fabulous soul Kirsten, bubbly, attractive, fun to be with, committed, hard working and if I was 20 years younger you would be my girl"

It made me cry because I feel like the most horrible person in the World at the moment because that's how David has made me feel - like it's all my fault and I did everything wrong. But that person making that comment today, really lifted my spirits because it's very rare that people say things like that to me. It was wonderful.

Thing that I keep thinking is; how could I have improved the situation if he didn't tell me those 3 months ago that he fell out of love with me, that something was wrong, that he wasn't happy? How could I have changed anything, worked on it if I hadn't know? Because believe me, if I'd have known, I'd have done everything within my power and more to sort things out, to make him happier... But he never said a word

And now, he's come in at 1.30am and left after fighting me. Left me with burn marks and nail digs on my wrists where he grabbed me because he lost control and screamed in my face to 'get out of the way woman' I admit, I should have gotten out of the way but after being spoken to like that? No way! There was no way in hell I'd take that from him. I wasn't moving until he asked politely, until he calmed down because I didn't want him to leave in an angry state and more than likely crash or something. Because I cared.

So he waltzed in, said 'you're up late' at which I glared at hime and said 'I told you I was waiting up for you. I told you to be here earlier, at a more reasonable hour. I know you've been avoiding me to avoid conflict and whatever, but by coming in at such an unreasonable hour, knowing that I am very sick and unable to deal with so much lack of sleep, you not letting me know last night that you were staying out so causing me to risk my health having a panic attack, have brought it on yourself. By avoiding me, by avoiding conflict, you have brought the conflict on yourself. I wouldn't need to be miffed with you if you just came at a reasonable hour like 4pm'

So then he started saying that if I wasn't being such a ******, he wouldn't have to come at stupid o'clock. I then said that maybe he needs to accept that actually I was perfectly fine today, IO was happy for him to come in and out. I invited him several times to come get some stuff and take it to his Parents' place and he could've come then and saved the aggro. I then said that I wanted to resolve the argument before he left so I stayed where I was stood. He then ordered me to move which I wouldn't take. No-one orders me to do things, no-one comes up in my face, bares their teeth at me, gritted and shouts at me "MOVE OUT OF MY WAY, WOMAN!!!!!" No-one. He then threw the box that he had in his hands, onto the floor and pushed me. He managed to get me through one door way but the second one, despite having eaten very little over the last 5 days, he couldn't push me through. Even when he tried to trip me up, I clung on. Eventually, he pulled away and walked out of the front door with nothing. After having a screaming match because he'd been a coward and brought the aggro on himself.

Ok I know that I should've probably left it. I asked how he would feel if I did that to him. He said he'd have calmly let me go in, get stuff and go out. And I said no, for once put yourself in my shoes. If you were sick, had a migraine, tired, needed sleep and had told me that you'd wait up for me to get my stuff because you didn't want me to wake you up, you'd be pretty p*ssed off if I turned up at nearly 2am demanding you to move out of my way, calling you a psycho ****** and blaming you for everything.'

I wanted this to end amicably. I told him that. I said if he really wanted to stay friends, he wouldn't be treating me like this, he wouldn't be trying to push me, trying to wind me up, trying to hurt me even more. He didn't wind me up, he didn't push me to go mental as soon as he got in. It was him who lost the control and caused me to defend myself by shouting back.

Anyway. I'm shaken, I'm afraid and I feel so completely alone. My right hand appears to have a mind of its own and I knew before that I would more than likely land myself in hospital with lack of food this week, but now I'm certain that this stress, along with the lack of food, is going to bring me down and land me there.

Please someone tell me I'll be okay. Was I wrong? I feel like I was... I feel like I'm to blame.