That reminds me of the postpartum psychosis I experienced after my fifth child was born, almost 21 years ago. I had these horrid fantasies about allowing some sort of harm to come to him, but in these daydreams I always died with him.....Lord, I went through SO much guilt because of this, I tried to stop the thoughts and just couldn't.

(That was long before I knew this was a precursor to bipolar d/o. In those days PP depression/psychosis wasn't really talked about, and mothers who suffered from it generally did so in silence. Mine started with the very first child and got progressively worse with each one, and I never told a soul about it until about 10-12 years ago, when the issue came to the forefront because of the woman who drowned all five of HER kids in the bathtub.)

It's terribly frightening to think thoughts like this and be unable to stop them. You have my sympathies, hamster-bamster.