As i told you guys, I finally told my t by e-mail some things I thought I would take to my grave. One of his boundaries is no e-mails, which he relaxed to allow me to e-mail this story about my early life because I didn't think I'd EVER be able to say it out loud. During the session, I didn't really want to talk about what I e-mailed to him. Part of me e-mailing it to him, was the understanding that we would discuss it at the next session, so I felt like I HAD to discuss it. We talked about it a little, and then I changed the subject. My T told me he was having a dilemma about how hard to push me to stay on topic versus letting me avoid the topic. He said he was trying to balance my personal autonomy and having me not feel forced, versus knowing that I would avoid this topic to the end of time if possible.

I told him that he was going to have to let me change the subject some at least because the conversation was SO uncomfortable for me. But, I know that I NEED to address this at some point and I clearly do not know how to do so by myself. I am not certain that I am capable of bringing up the subject or staying on topic long enough to do myself any good. EVERY time I have disclosed anything sensitive about myself, up to this point in my life, it has come back to bite me in the rear. This stuff about me is beyond sensitive. It feels like it will destroy my life to have anyone know. I just don't want to give someone else that much power of me. So god only knows how long it will take me to get this crap out if I don't tell him to push me on this topic. But, I don't want to give him permission to push me because I don't even want him to know anyway.

Input? Your personal experiences either with a T pushing you, or with revealing stuff you thought you'd rather die than tell? And I mean that last part seriously. At one point, I quite literally would have killed myself rather than have anyone know this about me.