I rang my T once and her voice was so different to what I was imagining would be like before I called. I felt all the feelings you describe here. But its not a B/W thing, there's a middle ground that needs to be established and establishing that is hard. Once its been established, and this can take some time, then what's caring and what's emeshment and codepency become clear. its hard for me it felt like being dragged through the mud learning what was healthy caring and what was counter productive.