It is an unfortunate thing that my PTSD is completely around grief and loss. And that at the moment I am trying to cope with the loss of my 6yo daughter into fostercare after my husband and I split up about 10 weeks ago and her behaviour put my 22 month old in danger. But the bad thing about all of this is that, even though the girls are so much better off out of the environment they were in (ex and I fought ALL the time), they are missing out on growing up with each other (I don't think 2 hours a week together at the mo is going to help their relationship much) and cps keep talking about where 6yo is going to live when she leaves foster care- the question in their mind is which house will she be better off in. My mind is so muddled, and my thoughts as I write them down may well be just as confusing, and some of the stuff I write about may not even be relevant here. Like the fact that I feel SO stupid for having endured all I did over the last 8 years. Sure, I pushed his buttons and was verbally just as abusive as he was, but I keep seeing particular scenes where he is pushing me and pining me against the wall, or lacking me out of the house, or one of the worst ones when I was a couple of months pregnant (but we didn't know it) and I had left the hall light on while I crept into the bedroom to find my wheatbag. The light woke him, and he dragged me by my hair down the hall and threw me into the corner of the living room, where he then proceeded to stomp on me repeatedly. And then a few weeks later when he physically kicked me outof the house. I knew by then that i was pregnant, and he was so out of control I screamed to the neighbours to call the police. But still I went back to him. We separated for 8 months about 4 1/2 years ago. And I went back to him... That just reinforces how STUPID I am. How can 1 person possibly be as stupid as me as to keep going back for more?? And even though in the last fights leading up to this separation I kept saying I wanted him to leave, I didn't do anything. I left it up to him (so he now goes around telling everyone he left becoz he couldn't cope with me and my MH issues anymore etc). But for once the house wasn't part of his work deal, so why should the 2 kids and me have to leave? All was (kinda) ok til cps said that no1 had to go back to 24/7 fostercare. Now I am left in a big house with just no2, and dealing with my PTSD which is in full throttle now. I am hollow, I proved on Thursday at the cps review meeting I have no fight left in me (I sat there nodding my head in agreement when necessary and saying what needed to be said, not disagreeing with certain issues and challenging different things) and that I am a body that is hollow inside. There is nothing left. I am merely existing. The only time this changes is when I think about my loss of no1, and all my grief issues come flooding back and with them my issues of grief from when Nana passed- I am trying so hard when I am at my lowest to feel her strength there with me. I miss her so terribly much...

sorry- I don't know if any of that made sense, but the gist of it is that I miss Nana to the point of physically hurting for her, and I miss my daughter just as much. The only thing I don't miss is my ex- I hope his new bit soon learns about the 'real' him and has the strength to get out early.