Therapy is stupid.

I'm still angry, in case you didn't gather that. I am having the worst week I've had in a while. There was a death in the family which brought some family baggage and secrets up for fresh air, my ex (we broke up less than a year ago after an intense relationship) just got engaged, and my head is so fixated on this drama I'm creating with my T that I can't focus on schoolwork and I've fallen completely behind. This is not going to be fun to clean up.

So, to clarify the odd thing.. My friend is in an Abnormal Psych class and as all abpsych students do, she decided to diagnose herself and her closest friends. She diagnosed me with Schizotypal Personality Disorder, which was a little surprising because I'd never heard of it. Apparently, one of the most prominent features of this disorder is looking and behaving oddly. When I told T this story I made it clear that I was offended to be called odd, which was when she (with a half smile) said "I thought you prided yourself on being odd." Yeah... I would have, I'm sure, had I KNOWN I was odd. But whatever. She then proceeds to go down the list of symptoms one by one, telling me that I don't have each one... except she leaves out the behaving oddly criteria. I picked up on it since I had just read the criteria earlier that day and she totally dodged the subject. The good news, as I stated in the original post, is that I don't look odd. Phew.

After cancelling with T I called my old T from way back when and made an appointment with her. I haven't seen her in about ten years and it was really nice to talk to her on the phone. She's pretty far away, about a two hour drive, but I'm going to make a day trip out of it and do some shopping and see some old friends. I feel like seeing my old T will be helpful because there's all of this stuff in my head that I can't tell my current T... I'm hoping I can tell old T so I can stop repeating the same crazy making drama where ever I go.

Cuz here's the thing... I think my T is clumsy. I wish she knew me better than she does, I wish she had more compassion, I wish she'd f'ing call me... but ultimately, I'm the one who put myself in this position. From day one I've been avoiding intimacy with her. Even if she is a crappy T... I can't actually blame her for not knowing me better when I was the one hiding.

The bottom line is that I don't think I can say all of that to T. This is an opportunity for me to work through some trust and abandonment issues... I just don't know if I can do it with the T I just fired.

But I still miss her.