I tried to follow my safety plan and I called but you were off sick. then I called the helpline but the person I usually talk to wasn't available and the person I spoke to wasn't very helpful.

it's not the fact that I screwed up almost 2 months free that worries me, it's that for ages it hasn't been giving me any relief but tonight was amazing it worked so well. I just want to keep doing it. it made me feel alive.

I don't know that I can tell you any of this.