Hankster I realize was wasn't really clear. No what I posted is nothing like the emails I sent T.

The first time she told me she didn't counsel via email was when I sent one that didn't really make sense because I OD'd on meds. I didn't realize I sent it until the next day. Basically, a "drunk email".

When she totally cut me off was when I sent this email; embarrassing, but I did it:

Another loss...but at least I'm used to this. It's what shut me down in the first place. *Just something else I'll have to grieve. Grief on top of grief that I still haven't grieved... don't know how to grieve. I finally opened up to you, told you how much I love you, what an angel you are to me. I crafted and gave you something that represented that. *You say you love me. You say you want me to heal. You say you'll help me learn how to get better. All that is great. I believe all that. *Then you'll leave just like almost everyone else. *It hurts. *I want to shut down and give up. *I always want what I can't have. *Why do I usually grow to love people who won't or can't be around me? Story of my life. It is so frightening for me to think I'm going to be utterly transparent, bare my soul to you like I never have to anyone else just to lose you in the end. It hurts so much. I don't know if I want to open up to you anymore; I don't want you to see who I am, it is simply embarrassing now. Brave? Sure. Smart? Not so much. I kept asking if you'd leave and you said you wouldn't. *I should have known. *I'm angry. I want to lash out at you. You might think my empathy is BS, but I feel deep and at this point I don't care if you believe me or not.

I have to pay someone to love me. How shameful. Jeff and I talked about how we are going to have to start sacrificing for me to stay in therapy. Our FSA card is almost depleted. Yeah, I know, just trust God. Do you realize how hard that is for me? Do you realize I still have no idea what I really believe? I'm going through the motions. Actually that's what I'm doing in life.

At least I can take my clients home or out in the community and have a "normal" therapeutic relationship with them.

She said this email was manipulative and "borderline". She cut me off for 3 weeks, then I emailed her and asked for another chance to email. She told me it was okay. I just emailed on occasion until last weekend, when I sent 3 emails on Saturday and one on Monday.