Quote:
Originally Posted by Hazel Glitter
He says he is not abusive when I know for a fact he is. He constantly yells and makes threats and is just consistently hostile. He is more of all those things to my daughter (not biologically his) than he is to our son together or me. Everything they do wrong deserves a spanking and has harsh threats along with it. ... if she doesn't stop crying he will give her something to cry about and if I try to go comfort her about what she was crying over in the first place, he gets pissed off with me for "babying her". She is 7 years old. Our son is 2.
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OMG!
I am new to this forum and came to get a better understanding of what is going on in my relationship and what to do about it - although to be honest, I KNOW the answer to both questions already.
Hazel Glitter I pray you are following this thread or at least checking in ... the situation you've described mirrors my relationship/life - it began fourteen years ago. *[I brought my 7 year old son into the relationship and my husband & I have no other children.]
My husband treated (treats) my son that way. Nothing he does deserves any merit what so ever. There's always something bad, something that wasn't done right or, when those excuses won't work then my son only did well because "hes after something" "he wants something from you". If he tried really hard and got 3 of 4 things done well husband ignores the good work & focuses on the 4th, that wasn't done. He'd totally ignore him at the dinner table when he spoke or asked questions - we no longer eat together once my son found his teenage voice he said he didn't want to eat at the table.
I tried everything to work with my husband, all wrong apparently, I even offered to go to family counseling to learn what I WAS DOING WRONG if he would come with me.
~Not!!~ He didn't need some shrink telling him how to raise a kid.
Things continued and often got worse, much worse. It would take pages to recount it all. I've often wondered about a marriage so young that had so many bad/sad memories and few good ones.
I went from a loving, giving, carefree person with a great job & a loving, outgoing son to a woman who left her job of 23 yrs depleted due to chronic pain & perpetual stress. I battle depression often, I carry anxiety everyday, I see a therapist and (joy, joy) am on a cocktail of drugs just to deal with the challenges of what has become my daily life
. The constant battles & fights used to distroy me - I could barely function afterwards I was so wounded and confused as to 'how to fix things'. I'm virtually numb now. I don't (often) try to fix or even discuss things anymore. *An aspect my husband has noticed and uses against me now ... 'you don't even try anymore' ~ he's right, I've lost my will ~ period.
My biggest concern is my son (I can/will recover). Now 21 he essentially lives in his room - he chose not to go to college and doesn't look for or hold jobs long. When he recieves positive feedback he excels - minimal criticism and he shuts down. If you ask me, he's depressed and his self-assurance/esteem is extremely fragile if it exists at all. Sadly he often relays the same/similar negative, caustic opinions that his step-father does - at times directed at himself. He is very defensive and sees most everything as a criticism.
Wonder why!! Offers (demands?) to have him go see/talk with someone are met with 'thats a waste of time; 'what do they know' ... where have I heard this before!
HazelGlitter I am telling you all this because you need to protect your daughter, son & yourself. Growing up in a 'home' full of negativity & ARGUMENTS will destroy all of you slowly but surely. The children are at the greatest risk, your daughter certainly but also your son. Even though he is not often the recipient of the critism & threats he has to live in the environment. As for yourself, your personality & relationship with your husband will change, the frequency of arguments will increase, your willingness to resolve/mitigate problems will lessen and resentment will grow.
I know I am projecting my story on to you but some effects are inveitable. As for me, now that I'm no longer working and husband's retired I tend to live in my room as well. Husband moved into other room abt. 1 1/2 yrs ago. For the most part I no longer miss the contact.
Why do I stay? That's partially why I'm here reading ... as I said, I believe I know. The question is how do I work through/around my issues. BTW, even though I dislike being 'alone' another relationship is the last thing on my mind! My ability to sustain myself financially is of foremost concern.
Pls consider what I've written here ... the toll negativity has taken on my life is immeasurable, the effect it has had on my son is criminal. Don't let this happen to your children or yourself.
I wish you lots of support, strength, and courage in whatever path you take.
~ Irish