My last few days have been a mixed bag.....
My H was sort of being his old self - which means he was being more critical, condescending, and controlling. Yesterday in particular he kept sniping at me, being snarky, talking to me as if I were a stupid child.....grrr. We usually have a glass of wine b4 bed and talk about stuff and we have done well being open, but I was feeling so hurt I sort of wanted to revert to shutdown mode......but I did manage to tell him about one particular incidence.....which somehow, he managed to turn from my feelings about what he said into his feelings about what I said about what he did after that....it was like, I'm sorry you feel like it was a bad thing that I went ahead and did that for you; I thought you'd like someone else to do it for you since you couldn't seem to do, but no, you don't appreciate it (me). I was like, no, this is really about how you said what you said and my feelings about that! Then he's like, so what else is bothering you? As if I wanted to tell him anything else when he got so defensive and turned it all back on me, as if I was really wrong to feel upset when he said something hurtful. I really really wanted to call T2, but then she didn't answer her phone, so I thought, oh well, I'm a big girl, I'll just try to process this the best I can, see if I react differently/approach H differently and maybe he'll see/acknowledge his attitude/words; I thought, maybe I can allow myself to feel about this differently too - I don't have to believe I am a stupid child, just because he talks to me that way, because I am not!
But......he's tried, I've tried, to really communicate better, so it's disheartening to have this huge backslide. Have we really changed; have we really improved our relationship as much as I thought/hoped?
But then T did call this morning! I was at the gym, so missed it......but she had good news that makes me feel better. She sent the letter/forms/info to the mental health board to get me free from my commitment.....yay! I'm SO pleased that that looks like it will finally happen.
And I am happy I still do have her to check in with when I need to......sometimes I think I don't really need therapy, but then I think, yeah, I like having someone to run this stuff by, to get some reassurance, to see if I'm missing something, get a reality check, etc......